“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

– Romans 12:15

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

– Matthew 5:4

 

December 21, 2015:  The phone rang, again.

“Don is gone.  He had a massive heart attack and the doctors couldn’t revive him.  I thought you should know.”

I had just seen Don two days ago.  He and his wife, Brenda, were adopted family members of ours.  Last time I saw him, he was playing with my daughter – bouncing her on his knee and making her laugh.  He had a present for her that he was saving until right before Christmas.  He promised to share his famous pizza dough recipe with me the next week.  He was excited to visit his family for Christmas.  He had been fine.  And now, he was gone?  What did that even mean?

We got to Brenda’s house as quickly as we could.  Some friends were already there – bringing food, giving hugs, asking what was needed.  For the next few days, people filed in and out, in and out, in and out.  Everyone felt the need to say something.  Some simply said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” But others wanted to point to God’s divine plan with words like:

“It must have just been his time.”

“He’s in a better place.”

“Just trust in God.”

Ouch.  While all of those statements are true, they are out of place during a time of mourning.  Of course it was his time to go, of course he’s in a better place, of course we will trust God – but none of those truths eliminates the intense pain of loss.  Don is with Jesus, but we will not see him for a long time.  That is lonely, empty, and sad.

This is not the first time I have heard Christians unwittingly make insensitive comments that minimize grief.  When did it become unchristian to be sad?  Why are so many Christians inept when it comes to dealing with mourning?

The first reason is a selfish one: grief is uncomfortable.  We spend so much time in our churches focusing on the hope of eternal life with Jesus that we don’t know how to deal with the sadness of death when we encounter it.  When someone is mourning, it’s our job to cheer them up, right?  After all, doesn’t the Bible say to be joyful always?  Yes, it does.  And it also commands us to “mourn with those who mourn.”  When we make a comment like, “He’s in a better place,” that comment is really for us and not for the person who is mourning.  It’s taking the focus off their grief so that we don’t have to deal with it.

The second reason that Christians have a hard time with mourning is because we don’t understand the value of it.  I mean, wouldn’t it be much better if we could just skip the whole grieving ordeal?  I used to think so.  But Jesus makes a crazy statement in Matthew 5:4 that people who mourn are blessed.  How can that be?

Let’s pretend that there are two sisters, Sophia and Olivia, and that their mother has just passed away.  Sophia, the youngest, is beside herself with grief.  She cries and cries for days.  Olivia, feeling a sense of responsibility as the older sibling, buries her feelings about her mother’s passing.  She busies herself with funeral preparations and taking care of visiting family members.  When people ask how she’s doing, she says, “I’m fine.”  In this scenario, who will be blessed?  Sophia will be, because she is mourning – her friends and family members will comfort her.  She will draw near to God and work through her grief in a healthy way.  Olivia, on the other hand, will miss out on the blessing of grief – since she refuses to mourn, she cannot be comforted.  She is in denial about her feelings.  She cannot draw near to God because she’s too busy being strong for herself.

When Don passed away, I think the person who had the most honest reaction was Baby Girl.  She’s only 10 months old, and as soon as we entered Brenda’s house, she knew something was wrong.  She began to fuss, and when Don wasn’t there to comfort her, she wailed.  In her innocence, she had no fear of mourning – and she gave voice to how we all felt.

Another lady came who had previously lost her husband.  She had no words, just tears.  But her silence was just what was needed.